Tummy time

Matt and I attended an infant care class before Luke was born and learned that tummy time is something we're supposed to be deliberate about. We looked at each other with rolling eyes knowing that Nicholas received exactly zero tummy time and somehow his neck still became remarkably good at holding up his head!

Nonetheless, we do (on occassion) give Luke tummy time. He generally loathes it, but the other night we propped him up to watch Ni-nicks play with his new Thomas Train set and he seemed pretty darn content...if not a little sleepy!

Briefly...

Today was a great day for us!

Matt and I were surrounded by family who came from near and far (as near as one mile away and as far as New Jersey!) to celebrate our boys.

Luke was adorable in his baptism romper and wowed everyone with his sweet disposition. He really is a good little baby.

And, Nicholas stole the show! I'm so proud of him. He was AMAZING today - engaged, interactive, well behaved, and fully enjoying his play time with his cousins. My heart swelled with pure joy as I watched him giggle gleefully while we sang 'Happy Birthday' to him and he blew out his three candles. It was such a special birthday party first for him - for us.

Thanks to all to came today - meant a lot to us.

Pictures pending...

I dropped the baby

I thought about getting clever with the title for this post, but decided just to tell it like it is.

At music class today we played with one of those big, huge parachutes. The adults stand around the outside and make waves while the kids sit on top of it and crawl under. Today, we did something extra fancy and the grown-ups were instructed to lift the edge of the parachute way up, then sit down and tuck the edge of the parachute under our bums (facing in) to make a big tent over the kids and ourselves. Cool, yes? ( I know, I know – I should have gone to more camps as a kid, but I really didn’t want to spend the night away…I digress.)

I wear Luke in a wrap that leaves my hands free so I can focus on playing with Nicholas through music class. Well, today, as I was sitting down on the edge of the parachute, Luke fell right out of the carrier onto the floor of the nifty little tent we had just constructed. No joke – right onto the floor. Fortunately, I was inches from the floor when this happened and the shorter the fall the lesser the injury to the baby. Luke was fine, if not a little peeved. Unfortunately, the slight distance of the fall did nothing to temper my excruciating humiliation that I DROPPED MY BABY AT MUSIC CLASS!

The other adults present offered appropriately empathic grimaces – no doubt masking their harsh judgment of my potentially baby-bone-breaking lack of coordination. My face, as it tends to in moments of embarrassment, turned a beautiful shade of beet, matching Luke’s screaming attire.

Definitely not my best moment.

Nicholas’ reaction: What baby? He was entirely unphased.

Luke's big week

Well, technically it's a big week for all of us...

Yesterday was my first full day away from Luke. I've been back to work in my southside office for 3 weeks at this point, but have scheduled myself so that I have time to run home and feed him. Yesterday I went back to work at my northside office, so Matt, Nicholas and Luke were on their own for the first time.

I must admit, I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety about being away. I knew Matt would be fine and I trusted that Nicholas and Luke would be fine - but, I wasn't quite as sure about myself! It's hard to leave Luke right now. In fact, aside from work, I really do take him everywhere with me.
There are so many factors playing into this experience being different for me than my adjustment to Nicholas coming home...

When Nicholas came home I struggled with profound feelings of incompetency. Work was a refuge for me in a way - a place I could go and feel competent and secure. I don't feel incompetent as a mother anymore - to Nicholas or Luke. So, being away from them is not something I look forward to.

Luke is attached to me - not just emotionally, but physically. He's dependent on me in ways that Nicholas never was or will be and in ways that Luke won't be with anyone else on the planet. I have a raw, visceral experience of love for him.

My experiences of growing in love for my two boys has been so different. And, that fact alone is tough to process . Cognitively, this makes so much sense to me, but emotionally it flat out sucks. I have yet to face grief with Luke, but Nicholas and I have been processing it from the start - and, grief is so so painful. (I know I have more to say about this, but right now I'm still very much in the midst of feeling it - so, my ability to articulate it feels limited.)

So, how did we do yesterday?

Matt commented that he has a new level of empathy for my days alone with both boys!

Nicholas was just fine without me - but, greeted me with enthusiasm when I got home.

Luke was fussier than is typical of him - and he greeted me with sweet smiles when I got home.

And, I did much better than anticipated. As I was leaving, Matt hugged me, told me I'm a good mom and that they would miss me. I cried for ~2 minutes as I drove down the road then sailed through the rest of my day. It's always good to have 'firsts' over and behind us. And, I'm glad to be hitting a groove with our routine.

This morning we experienced another first - Luke's first shots. This is, of course, not the first time I've been through shots as a mom. But it is the first time I've faced shots with an infant (though I learned it's not so different - sucks no matter how big or small your kiddo is!). Luke was a trooper, indeed. He cried appropriately, but calmed down quickly as I held him.

Such experiences with Luke strongly stir my grief for Nicholas. Rather than focusing on my saddness that Luke is hurting (which I did feel, believe me), my thoughts immediately migrate to Nicholas' earliest days and how profoundly unfair it feels that he faced such events alone. I want to believe that he was held while he screamed after getting shots as an infant. Sigh.

And, capping off our big week is Luke's baptism and Nicholas' birthday party on Sunday. My mom made Luke's baptism romper - it's adorable. And, we're celebrating Nicholas' 3rd early just to make things easier on out of town family. It will be a big day of celebrating! This is Nicholas' first birthday party and I'm excited for him. It will likely leave him feeling pretty overstimulated, but we have a low-key evening planned (ie just the 4 of us) and will help him slow down and recenter.

Pictures pending!

But, for now, here are some add'l Halloween pics from my dad...

Curious George & the Man in the Yellow Hat

Keeping warm with Luke (in his pumpkin hat!)

My brother, Bryan, me w/Luke, Matt, Nicholas & Louie

Nana & NicholasAngie & Louie

Happy Birthday, Max!

Our birthday boy is 8-years-old!

Here are some pictures of sweet Max through the years...

Regal Max

Max as a pup

Adjusting to big-brotherhood

Cooling off on the tile

Severely spoiled!

Walking with Daddy

Max LOVES snow days

Waiting for Nicholas (loving on his Mama)

Pretty Max Anticipating a Christmas treat!

Luke & his Greats

I am so thrilled that Luke has met all three of his great-grandparents...

Matt's maternal grandmother - 'Mo'
My paternal grandfather - 'Grandpa'

My maternal grandmother - 'Grammy'

Happy(ish) Halloween

Nicholas enjoyed the Zoo Boo and trick or treating with his cousin Louie (Curious George). Now we're processing some major overstim and wondering if we should just avoid such events for a while. Sigh. He is the cutest little pumpkin ever...

Brothers

We had pictures of the boys taken at the end of September.

Here are 15 of my favorites...

playing with a disposable camera leftover from the stash we left at the orphanage between tripsI love this one. Nicholas has the most striking eyes!Shhh...Snuggly and swaddledAnd, this is Luke's intense little scowl that I love so dearly.Brotherly loveNicholas is entertained by pulling Luke's pluggy out of his mouth! I used to do this to my baby brother, too. Only one picture of Max was taken - and, I love it!

He's smiling!

He missed me

Nicholas does not yet have words to process the emotion of missing me - me in particular. So, he punishes me when I return - in a zoned out - untrusting - disengaged - way too self-reliant - angry sort of way.

It's hard - on both of us.

I spent this past weekend visiting my grandparents. It's too much for them to have all of us at the same time and it was important to me that they meet Luke, so I trekked up to Northern Indiana with my parents (who attended the ND game on Saturday - go Irish!) - leaving Matt, Nicholas and Max behind.

You'll remember I also spent 5 nights in the hospital when Luke was born and after a week+ home realized that I/we needed more help and trekked down to my parents' with Luke for 4 nights.

I've been away from my Ni-nick a fair amount lately and it's taken a toll.

Upon reuniting, I don't hear, "Oh, I missed you Mama" while my sweet toddler melts into my arms and clings to me as sheer closeness fills his love bucket and recenters / reconnects our relationship.

Instead, my sweet toddler presents with 'orphanage eyes' and an overt dismissal of my attempts to connect while he instead focuses on the light switches with reckless emotional abandon, screeching and crying when I set limits for him and remind him that he's a family boy now. He's overwhelmed with emotion and no words to express it.

My heart hits the floor like lead in these moments. So so heavy. I feel discouraged and worry that healing is not forthcoming and our progress is just a bandaid for post-trauma that is bigger than our relationship can overcome. I know that probably sounds dramatic, but it feels so real and so daunting and so hard in the moment that I myself zone out and turn inward because whether or not it should - rejection from my toddler is painful for me and breaks my heart for both of us.

But, I don't have the luxury of staying inward. So, I try - hard - to engage him in play, glimpses of eye contact, reminders of mama-silliness for a quick little giggle. And, then a moment presents itself when I know Nicholas is warming and can hear me whisper in his ear, "Nicholas, I missed you. I love you. Mama always comes back."

Tonight, Nicholas heard me and ran off. But, the next time I saw his beautiful, dark eyes look my way - he was back, no longer dissociated for the moment, able to engage, and less angry with me for abandoning him yet again. And, eventually, he came and sat in my lap - unprompted - and relaxed into my arms.

I will forever be letting my son down - this I know - both in my humanity and in my requirement to set healthy boundaries for him as his parent. But, he's giving me chances to reconnect these days. They're coming more quickly.

I know that signals healing progress. And, I'm so proud of him for staying the course when it would be so easy to give up. Nicholas is a survivor in the truest sense of the word.

He is a remarkable little man - who truly makes me feel more deeply than I knew myself capable of feeling.

...and, no, Matt does not experience being on the receiving end of this painful emotional expression - just me. Nicholas has his reasons and I respect them deeply.

...stay tuned for pictures of Luke's visit with his great-grandparents (I have to wait for my dad to upload them). It was a very special weekend for me, for him, for them. And, I truly did miss my three boys back home.

2-months-old

Our little guy is 2-months-old today.

It's been a great 2 months!

I am so in love with this little baby.

Suddenly, I'm a fan of infants.

I've never really enjoyed infants - think they're quite dull, if I'm being perfectly honest.

But, oh how I adore this one!

It is so good to be a mom.